You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.