[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.