Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
You Might Also Like
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*