If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
mood
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.