I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
secret recipe
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
an airline just for babies.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit