Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Cat is stressing him out.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass