Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.