ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
You Might Also Like
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
accurate
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.