[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.