[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
me
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Always a metermaid never a meter