Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Don’t touch that.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.