[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
You Might Also Like
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*