Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Well, shit
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.