A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow