I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“That’s what” – She
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Hello Twits.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The symmetry is uncanny.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.