[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
They got Raph!
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Donkey Kong sommelier
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?