I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Somebody call the cops.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere