Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
You Might Also Like
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Have a lovely day 😊
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS