Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?