In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
where the womens at?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.