There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.