Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.