Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer