Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I know this now 😂
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Florida be like…
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you