It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no