Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.