I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
plums roundup
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
🤣could you imagine
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*