Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
There’s never enough good news
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.