I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
same energy
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba