Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You Might Also Like
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
You wish you had this many chins.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?