Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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My beach vacation Google searches
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.