During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.