fixed it
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.