It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
S/o to @funTweeters .
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”