Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“HELP WITH CAT”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.