Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.