if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.