SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner