If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
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when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.