Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday