We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I laughed at this way too hard.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Finally a use for spoilers…
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.