Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse