24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
lol
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part