LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
whatcha thinkin bout
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites