me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
who wants to go expliring
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..