“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You Might Also Like
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Sending in my taxes
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.