My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it