*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Rt to bother an English speaker
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Time for evil
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz