[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.