I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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Guys, I found it.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.